My journey with GDM

During my first pregnancy, I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, or GDM. I had failed the 1 hour glucose test, scheduled to take the 3 hour, and failed that too. If you’ve been pregnant, you’re probably all too familiar with that thick, sugary drink you’re told to chug down in under 5 minutes. Honestly, I’ve never thought the tasted was that bad, it’s just hard to drink fast! But that’s coming from someone with a sweet tooth…

It’s hard with words like “fail” to not take it personal. I felt like I had failed my son. As silly as that may sound, I struggled with that! It was probably all the first time mama emotions, but I really did feel like I failed him. Like I hadn’t taken good enough care of myself and now I was going to negatively impact his wellbeing. I was sooo disappointed in myself.

Yes, I “failed” the test. But I didn’t fail my son. In the months to follow, I kept a strict diet, tracking everything I ate, poking my finger to check my blood sugar levels 4 times a day. I was able to manage my glucose levels by maintaining that diet and thankfully never needed insulin. I would come to realize during this time and afterwards that I wasn’t a failure for this. It was an annoyance, especially when I had to ignore 90% of my pregnancy cravings, but it was worth it to ensure the health of my son. In the end, we were both healthy with no negative effects of my diagnosis, praise the Lord!

Throughout my entire first pregnancy, I didn’t tell many people about my GDM diagnosis because I was embarrassed. For this second pregnancy, I felt ready for it. Knowing I already had the diagnosis previously, I was expecting the same this time around. I even told a handful of friends about the test, asking for prayer, discussing my worries, but still knowing that whatever happens, I’m more than willing to do whatever it takes to keep my baby healthy!

The first test came around, and as expected, my blood sugar level was high. I wasn’t shocked, I wasn’t scared, and I scheduled myself for the 3 hour glucose test, expecting more of the same results. I sat in the waiting room for an entire morning, reading a book between blood draws, noticing I didn’t feel as light headed or sick to my stomach this time around but really not paying attention to it at all. I went home feeling complete peace. I thought it was a peace coming from accepting the fact that I will probably be diagnosed with GDM once again, but at least I knew what to expect this time!

Looking back, it was 100% peace from God. Test results came back and this time I WAS shocked. I passed…I passed?? I passed!! I was so confused, I showed by husband and told my friends and family members immediately. Wow—I couldn’t believe it. I kept thinking about how and why this would be the case, realizing I am moving so much more this time around chasing a toddler! But I had to give all glory to God who was there, even when I wasn’t paying attention, bringing me peace and comfort and healing. Feels like such a great time to end this blog with a bit of encouragement and happy news!! But…the story doesn’t end there.

At my next appointment I was told that although I passed this 3 hour glucose test, I would need to schedule yet another 3 hour test because this test was conducted earlier than usual (a normal process most mothers who have previously been diagnosed go through in case they need to begin insulin injections earlier than first time mamas). So—I would have to do the test again at the normal 26ish week mark. SIGH. Ok…

I don’t know what to say about this next experience. It felt very similar to the first test. I wasn’t nervous, I was at peace, I read a good book, I got my blood drawn, I wasn’t feeling sick. All was seeming to go well. (Honestly even a little better because the waiting room was much emptier this time around, haha!) Comparing the similarities I was feeling pretty confident that I would pass this test again. Unfortunately, the results didn’t want to join the “same same” party.

I failed my second 3 hour glucose test. Shoot.

I immediately felt discouraged. Upset. Bummed out. The friends and family that knew about this second test of mine didn’t get an immediate text following my results. A disappointing feeling of shame took over my emotions and I felt embarrassed again for feeling so confident and excited about passing my first test just to fail this second one. It’s kind of crazy to me how EASY it is to feel peace and comfort and joy when things are going unexpectedly well. But in moments of disappointment or frustration, it’s like those past blessings are entirely erased from memory. I’m starting to understand on a personal level how the Israelites could so quickly forget those miracles in the desert and be groaning and complaining again the very next day…

I really had to stop myself and reflect in the moment to say, Hey! You know what?! God is still good and I can still feel His presence (because He didn’t go anywhere) and find comfort in the midst of this “bad news”. I don’t have to feel ashamed or embarrassed or discouraged. God never stopped caring about me or my child. I don’t need to drown myself in worry or stress when I still have an unchanging God to lean on. The results of my test may have shifted, but I can still rely on His peace.

Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with some of the details. To be honest, keeping track of everything I eat, having to be super aware of the numbers on food labels, doing math (eye roll), testing my blood at specific times crossing my fingers I’m in the green zone for glucose levels…it’s a lot.

I received my kit and GDM info and decided to start the next day. I stayed up late that night searching for helpful apps to help me track everything, set up my kit next to me so I could test my fasting levels first thing in the morning. I woke up feeling extremely anxious and unprepared. I wasn’t ready and I kind of panicked. The app I found wasn’t working this morning and the needle in my poky device wasn’t working either. It didn’t help that I was a very hungry pregnant lady that just wanted to eat breakfast but wasn’t able to eat anything she gravitated towards without going over the carb limit. Thankfully, my husband was around to help me calm down. He helped me solve my needle kerfuffle and then made me some eggs while I searched for something else under my carb limit for this meal. My angel of a toddler boy also decided this morning would be a great one to sleep in. PRAISE. THE. LORD.

So, I made myself take yet another step back to be thankful for what I had in front of me. A mini blessing of a sleeping-in toddler so I could get my crap together this morning. A helpful and caring husband who has the patience to help me relax, focus and accomplish what I needed to. A loving community of friends that I know I can rely on if I ever need to vent about this process. And above all—a loving, present, comforting, never-changing, peace oozing God to lean on in the most difficult moments.

I’m in the midst of watching Season 3 of the Chosen and last night before I had my morning meltdown, I watched the episode where Jesus tells his disciples he’s sending them out to spread his message and do miracles along the way. Little James, a character in the show who walks with a limp, confronts Jesus questioning his (James’) ability to heal anyone because he himself hasn’t been healed by Jesus. And then he asks Jesus why He hasn’t healed him. This is how the rest of the scene unfolds:

“Because I trust you,” Jesus says. “Little James. Precious Little James. I need you to listen to me very carefully, because what I am going to say defines your whole life to this point and will define the rest of your life. Do you understand?”

Jesus tells James that he has healed and will heal many, many people, and they will have a good story to tell. But, he tells him, think of your story, if I don’t heal you.

“To know how to proclaim that you still praise God in spite of this—to know how to focus on all that matters, so much more than the body—to show people that you can be patient with your suffering here on Earth, because you know you’ll spend eternity with no suffering—not everyone can understand that. How many people do you think the Father and I trust this with? Not many.”

“But the others,” James says, “they are so much more … stronger, better at this.”

“James, I love you,” Jesus says, “but I don’t want to hear that ever again.”

The scene continues in a beautiful moment between Jesus and James, I encourage you to watch it! But I realized the timing of me watching this scene and the mind set I can choose to have with my GDM diagnosis. I don’t need to be angry or upset with God for not healing me this time around. I can use my story to hopefully reach and help others that may be going through a similar thing. I have purpose in these difficult moments, and if Jesus can use me to encourage anyone at all, it was worth it.

I didn’t really have a grand plan in sharing my story with you, other than to hopefully speak to mothers out there who may have struggled with the same feelings. Whether it’s GDM or any other type of diagnosis during pregnancy, you don’t have to be alone. You’re not alone. Choose to share your thoughts and feelings with those close to you. But most of all, put your trust in Jesus because ultimately HE (not the positive or negative results of a test) is the one who brings everlasting and unexplainable peace, comfort and joy to any situation. He is with you and will guide you through the storm as long as you’re leaning on Him. I say this speaking to anyone who needs to hear it (including myself): YOU GOT THIS. <3